From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He better not be in your backpack
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
