remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I could make wine with my vomit
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize