haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
