maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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