some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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