Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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