i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize