I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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