If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize