I think im going to throw up on grandma
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
