I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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