Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
