my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
