I showed him my bush... on skype.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
