omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
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