look no pants
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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