I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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