It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
