On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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