You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just invented taco cereal.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
