ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
