All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I would fuck him just for his dog
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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