My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
