i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
