you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
