you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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