and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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