How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
