They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
