I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
