Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize