i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
