No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
