...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize