after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
