i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
