end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
The adults are the big ones right?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
