I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
