Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
