my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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