someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
