guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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