He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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