it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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