remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
