pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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