I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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