my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
