PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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