don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
