hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
