So drunk its hurt
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
