A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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