I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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