I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize