I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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