this boner is exhausting
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
