sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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