so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize