Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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