I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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