My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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