Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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